There are many things that I see no need to share with the world, though I keep little hidden from people I know. However, dear Internet, I am fine with you knowing that I have OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). I see the need to talk a bit about what it is, too, and this is why: I can’t decide if it is good or bad (but I’m leaning towards bad) that it is misunderstood to the point of being thrown around as a slang term for everything remotely obsessive that people do.
You see, OCD is a form of anxiety. Look at what it stands for: it is a disorder that makes one obsessively act on compulsions, over and over again. It manifests itself in little ways that allow the person to control their world to prevent anxiety/because of anxiety. I am twenty years old and I still can’t walk on a crack in the sidewalk with my heel without feeling a split second of absolute ire at myself for doing it. I keep numbers rounded; some numbers I like, while others I can’t stand (though it depends on the context sometimes). I always – and I do mean always – say “bread and butter” after walking on the other side of a post from someone I know, even though I’m not superstitious about it. I once spent a weekend doing almost nothing else but 7 (mostly unnecessary) rewrites of the same paper. I compulsively want to close things (I’ll pass you the ketchup after using it and re-closing it even though you’re about to use it) or turn things off (when I see that the N64 is still on, I have to stop myself from turning it off, because my roommate is probably saving a game).
When I do a repetitive task, whether I truly enjoy it or not, I have trouble stopping. For example: I love cleaning and have accidentally cleaned for half of a night, even though I had to get up at 6am the next day. On the other hand, I found a very simple but very repetitive online game, and I absolutely needed to prove that it was beatable past a certain level. Thank goodness my boyfriend was able to make me stop (I still don’t know if it’s beatable, and it still bothers me, but the addiction is gone). I played it until I needed eyedrops, until I saw the game when I closed my eyes, until I was still playing it in my head even when I was away from it. I love cleaning and have trouble stopping (even for food or sleep), and even though that game wasn’t very enjoyable, I could barely stop playing for work.
I’ve gotten my OCD under control, though. The things I’ve described above rarely interfere with my life. Sometimes it can even help with tasks, like writing or proofreading essays – as long as I don’t let myself do 7 rewrites – especially since the first draft is written obsessively as it is.
It is interesting to me that OCD has become a mainstream term that people use almost as an excuse for things that don’t need excusing. You don’t hear people saying, “I have panic attacks” to explain a freak out, unless they actually do have them (and then you won’t hear them saying it very often because it’s not a widely accepted problem to have, nor is it well-understood by those who haven’t experienced it). OCD is just as irrational as every other type of anxiety, it just expresses itself in such an organized fashion that it appears rational to those who don’t have it, or so I gather, and they use it as an explanation of their actions.
Someone with OCD might change the sheets on their bed at the same time every week. Someone without OCD might do the same thing, but it wouldn’t physically bother them if they missed it. The first person does it because he has to, because he always has, because he needs to control things. Maybe someone once told him that it was the best time of the week to change sheets and he took it to heart and now he can’t stop. Rationally, he figures it’s the best time, so it should be done then, but irrationally he is compelled to do it then or else everything will be wrong in the world. The second person does it because it is a good idea to change your sheets every week; she likes to keep her house clean because it’s more sanitary that way. If she misses a day, it might bother her because it upsets the week’s schedule, but it’ll be smoothed over without a hitch and she won’t be nearly as bothered by it as the man with OCD.
What I am trying to say is that it bothers me when someone who does not have OCD does something that seems perfectly rational to me (or generally for me, hence the apology) and apologizes, explaining that they’re “really OCD about that sort of thing.” OCD doesn’t apply to everything in my life, but it’s not that selective. I’m not saying that I always know who does and who doesn’t have OCD, because you can’t always tell. I would probably do and say the same thing, though I work incredibly hard at not pulling my compulsive actions on others, unless they know me well. I am saying that you should be careful how you use the term. I always felt a little guilty using the term before I was properly diagnosed but it was a pretty easy diagnosis. Everyone has their little quirks, but the wonderfully lucky people with OCD have lots of them, and Heaven help the person who tries to get in the way of those ‘quirks.’
On the other hand, though, if OCD wasn’t such a mainstream term, I don’t think I would admit to having it as openly as I do. However, because it is so thrown around as a term, I find myself using it off-hand, and laughing off my ‘quirks’ with everyone else even though it bothers me. It’s hard to know what’s best for the term. It’s nice that there is some awareness, and I’m sure a lot of people have OCD and thus understand it, but as someone who has always had it, it’s hard to hear it used so off-handedly and so regularly.
OCD is about control. If you are being completely rational (it is unsanitary to do X, so you will fix it by doing Y even if I’m the one who did X), do it. Explain what you’re doing, but don’t tell me that you’re doing it obsessive-compulsively unless you are – and then I will gladly share funny OCD stories with you because I’ll know that you understand. It’s really nice to be able to share these experiences and frustrations with someone who actually understands them! So don’t be shy, but don’t misuse the term, either. I’m not expecting a change overnight, but I’d like to try to change the understanding of the term.
